Funny Jokes In English

We have great collection of funny jokes, you can enjoy reading and send these funny jokes to your funny sms friends and have fun. You can read funny poems, funny english jokes, funny sms jokes,funny poetry and jokes funny.

Women Love Shoes

Women Love Shoes

Because No Matter How Much

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Whatever They Eat,

The Shoe Always Fits … :P :P :P

Unless you have 10 hrs of free time

Unless you have 10 hrs of free time, never ask a woman

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“What’s wrong?”

Women only call me ugly

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make…

Then they call me ugly and poor.

                                               

atm pin number of people

I love to stand behind people at ATMs and when they enter their PIN number, I say “got it” and run away.

bad place for a fire

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

If you have a pear shaped body

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes or act juicy.

sliding glass door

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I dont write lol

Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.

word in the dictionary

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

living in the 21st century

Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

long romantic walk

Stalking – When two people go for a long romantic walk together and only one of them knows it.

love at first sight

I fell in love at first sight. Sometimes I wish I’d taken a second look.

What is Happiness

What is Happiness?

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Switching off the bathroom lights

just to annoy the person inside. .

how to spell a difficult word

I don’t even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.!!

Source : Jokes

Joke of the Day : Wisdom of Homer

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.“

"Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!”

“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

“I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:

Number one, 'Cover for me.’

Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.’

Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.’

"Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”

“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.”

“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

“Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!” (My favorite)

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir’ without adding, you’re making a scene.’”

“”“”“

Source : Jokes

Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

A: To get a mini soda!

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Q: Where do orcas hear music?

A: Orca-stras!

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?

A: To get to the udder side.

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Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?

A: Fsh!

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Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

A: Take the words out of his mouth!

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A: A chili dog on a bun.

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Q: Why do fish live in salt water?

A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

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Q: Where do mice park their boats?

A: At the hickory dickory dock.

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Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?

A: The baaaahamas

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Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?

A: A crookodile

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Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A: A watch dog.

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Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A: A lawn moo-er.

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Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

A: Lilly.

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Q: How does a dog stop a video?

A: He presses the paws button.

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Q: Why do cows go to New York?

A: To see the moosicals!

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Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?

A: A buff-a-loan

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Q: What is the snake’s favorite subject?

A: Hiss-story

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Q: What is black ,white and red all over?

A: A sunburnt penguin!

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Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?

A: Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.

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Q: What is a cat’s favorite movie?

A: The sound of Mew-sic!

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Q: How do you make a goldfish old?

A: Take away the g!

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Q: Why did the lamb cross the road?

A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

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Q: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

A: Squeaky clean!

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Q: What has four legs and goes “Oom, Oom”?

A: A cow walking backwards!

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Q: Where do you put barking dogs?

A: In a barking lot.

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Q: What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?

A: A road hog.

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Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?

A: Fast food!

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A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

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Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on

its tail?

A: Me-ow!

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Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A: A gummy bear!

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice?

A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

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Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

A: Its shadow!

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Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?

A: Porkchop!

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Q: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

A: In his trunk!

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Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

A: None, because they were copycats!

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Q: Which day do fish hate?

A: Fryday!

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Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A: A milkshake!

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Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts don’t talk.

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No I deer!

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Q: Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

A: Because of the bark!

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Q: How are elephants and trees alike?

A: They both have trunks!

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Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?

A: A baboom!

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Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

A: Stuck!

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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldozer!

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Q. How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

A. Put him in the front seat.

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Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A: A car only has one horn.

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Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

A: Do you want to grab a bite?

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Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

A: Time to get a new bed!

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Q: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

A: Anywhere it wants to!

Source : Jokes