Sports Jokes

Funny Golf Jokes

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts?

In case he gets a hole in one.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

Do you know why the game is called golf?

Because all the other four letter words were taken.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.

Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron?

Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse!

Blonde Golfer Jokes

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Country Club Golf Jokes

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fucked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Four Putting Golf Jokes

What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation?

You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!

Source : Jokes

Free Jokes

The difference between Potentially and Realistically

A son asked his father, ‘Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?’

The Father replied, ‘If you really want to know, go ask your mother if she'll sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. And then go ask your brother if he'll sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars, and then come back to me and tell me what you found out.’

So the son goes to his mom and says, ‘Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?’ and the mom says ‘For a Million Dollars, Hell yeah, I would, I've been wanting to forever.’

So the son goes to his sister and asks her if she'll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and the sister says ‘Oh man, would I ever. I'd Love To.’

So then the son goes to his brother and says, ‘Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?’ and the brother says, ‘Hmm...for a million dollars, well...a million dollars is a lot of money, so...yeah I guess I'd do it for a million dollars’

So the boy goes back to his dad and the dad says to his son, ‘Well, what did you find out?’

His son replies, ‘Well, we're Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag.’

He means business!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -’and how much money do you make a week?’

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ‘I make $200.00 a week. Why?’

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - ‘here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!’

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - ‘does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?’

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - ‘Pizza delivery guy.’

Advanced Medicine

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said ‘That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We can take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the country will be looking for work the next day!’

Dog Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. ‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.

‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’

 Source :  http://gethappie.in/

Funny Jokes SMS

Shaadi ka jhagda

Shaadi ke doosre din beti apni maa se: Meri unse ladai ho gayi!

Maa: Shadi mein jhagde toh hote rehte hai fikar mat karo.

Beti: Woh toh thik hai par ab “LAASH” ka kya karu?

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Blood test

Pathan BLOOD Ke bare mein book parh raha tha

Wife: Aaj yeh book kyu parh rahe ho ji?

Pathan: Mujhe doctor ne kaha hai ke kal mera BLOOD test hai iss liye test ki tayari kar raha hoon.

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Stupid answers

If you have two agarbattis on a boat but no source of fire. How will you light an agarbattis if you are in the middle of the river?”

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1) Throw an agarbatti into the river. It make the boat lighter. Use it to light agarbatti

2) Throw an agarbatti in air and catch it. Catches win matches. Use these matches to light agarbatti

3) Take some river water, let it fall drop by drop. You know that “Tip-tip barsa pani, pani ne aag lagai.”. Use it to light the agarbatti.

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Not in duty

Ek police Inspector ke ghar chori ho rahi thi.

Wife: Utho ji, ghar mein chori ho rahi hai.

Police Inspector: Mujhe sone de, main iss time duty par nahi hoon.

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Doorbell bajao aur bhago

Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha:

Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta?

Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon.

Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai?

Baccha: Ab bhago!

Aey Bhai!!!

Munna : Abay Circuit! Jaa baajo walay ghar say Doctor ko bula k laa, meri tabiat kharab ho reli hai.

Circuit : Aey Bhai!!! aap to khud doctor ho.

Munna : Bolay to meri fees bahut zyada hai.

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Begum wife

Two married friends Rahul and Rohan talking on the topic of the married woman,

Rahul: Wife ko begum kyun kehte hai?

Rohan: Kyuki shaadi ke baad uske saare gum husband ke hisse mein chale jaate hai aur wife begum ho jaati hai…

A for Apple

Banta class mein – madam maine “abc” yaad karli..

Madam -ok , to sunao..

Banta – abcdefghijklemnopqrstuvwxyz…..

Madam - arey aise nahi ….aise suna A for apple

Banta – ok madam…. A for apple.

B for bada apple.

C for chhota apple.

D for dusra apple.

E for ek aur apple.

F for fokat ka apple.

G for gol apple.

H for hazar apple

I for itney saarey apple?

J for jaao nahi khaani hai apple

K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple

L for lena padhega tumko apple

M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple

N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple

O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple

P for peth bhar khaao apple

Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple

R for roz agar khaao tum apple

S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple

T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple

U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple

V for very tasty hai yeh apple

W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple

X for X’mas mei bhii Hi! khana padenge apple

Y for yun na chehra phero dekhkey apple

Z for zaraasa aur khaalo apple aur………..

Source :  Jokes